The Heart that Almost Healed

I'm not ready to put myself out there and go on dates with other people. And what's even more frustrating is people just can't seem to grasp that idea. I hate not being able to hang out with someone, without having them assume that it's a date. Don't tell me to take chances. Don't tell me that everything will be okay. I don't ever want to hear "will you" and "date" in the same sentence. The other day, someone said, "maybe no one has done it right for you," so I did this thing where I laughed and then cringed.WHAT? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No matter how great a person they are, no matter who it may be, I refuse to give in. I'm simply just not ready. Why is it so hard for people to just want to be friends? 

For quite some time now, I've convinced myself into believing that my heart has healed from all the hurt from my past relationship, but that's not true. I mean, I've learned to let go, but the memories have instilled fear in me. I generally have the tendency of loving people too much, but as the relationships are more sentimental, I always seem to have my heart torn apart into pieces. I still have to get through all of school and I still have my career to figure out. I don't have extra time to spare for failing relationships. 

Usually I would tell my friends to have a little more faith and to just leap forward - "give 'em a chance." But I can't even take my own advice. We all want to believe that all relationships will persevere because in the moment, we feel so strongly about our emotions. The thing is that sometimes, those strong emotions are only temporary. It's a risk you have to take and I've decided not to take that risk. I want to spend my present time evolving as a person, and by the time I'm ready to jump into the water, I will have reduced the many chances of getting my heart broken. 

It's not them. It's me. I have an agenda, and a relationship is not part of it. It simply isn't.